how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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