that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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