Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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