I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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