Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize