Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
