It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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