Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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