Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
