It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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