i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
from now on my penis is your penis
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
