Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
