Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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