He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
