My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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