I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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