im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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