it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
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