I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
