Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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