Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Im part way to drunk.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
