I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
