K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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