Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
