You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i think i just lost a toe
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize