tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
