walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize