A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
