That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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