Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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