____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
no, he came in my armpit
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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