I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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