I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize