He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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