I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
