DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
