life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
