Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Found the puke drawer
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
