how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
