The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
