dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
