I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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