I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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