Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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