dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
