I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
