Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
