I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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