I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
