Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
