If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
the condom got lost in my hair
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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